Reasons not to do a mud run: 5
Body parts filled with mud after a mud run: 76
Pairs of boots we got muddy just spectating at a mud run: 3
There are two types of people in the world: those who think participating in a mud run is the best idea ever and those who think, “Ooooh. Gross.” My husband and several friends are the first type, and I am firmly in the second camp. Here are the reasons I can think of not to do a mud run:
1. The combination of mud, running and obstacles is often used as a form of torture. Have you read the history books? Maybe had someone tell you about the Battle of Leningrad or Vietnam? Mud was involved there, too (or maybe it was frozen over in Leningrad). And mosquitoes. They are like a torture bonus.
2. Mud runs are a trend. Remember oxygen bars? Did they ever get popular in your hometown? Exactly. When your grandkids look at pictures of you covered in mud, they will say, “Oh yeah, we played a retro version of that on the Holodeck. It was too messy for my taste. I had to take a virtual shower afterwards.”
3. You can’t see what’s inside the mud. What would my eye doctor say if all these years I had been cleaning my contacts with Clear Care and not sleeping in them and wearing them the recommended number of hours, then decided to slog through the mud and coat my eyes with red clay paste? I don’t think he’d be very happy with me. All of my calendars with island montages show very clear water, water where you can see down to the bottom. A Caribbean Sand Run sounds like a more sanitary pursuit. And there might be margaritas served by the pool boy at the finish line.
4. Contrary to what you might think, it is eco-unfriendly. Think of all the running shoes, Nike and Asics wicking fabrics and fairy wings (people wear the heck out of fairy wings at mud runs) that you can’t ever wear again. Don’t even get me started on the firehose (all that extra water!) they use to rinse you off afterwards.
5. There are easier ways to get worn out and dirty. Try storytime at the library, finger-painting with preschoolers or spending an entire evening at a beer festival after it rains.
I hope I have convinced you not to ask me to attend or participate in a mud run with you in the future. Please send me the link to your website so I can look at photos of your jubliant face. Then I will wash my hands.